| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2009|02:51 am] |
|
all of my past entries read like a fucking hallmark greeting card. AND I WASN'T EVEN THAT YOUNG. another thing, i'm trying to curb my cursing. so crass, don't you think? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2008|06:12 am] |
|
everyone is on facebook and neglecting myspace. i am not really on facebook so when i visit myspace, it feels very lonely. it's kind of like calling a long-lost friend only to discover their number has changed. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2008|11:56 pm] |
Livejournal is such a time warp. I don't know anyone who updates their journal regularly, not like they did in '04/'05. Thinking of the past conjures up strange feelings -- warm, pure, uncomfortable. Maybe that's why I don't like rehashing friendships from long ago? Anyway, we're all a little older now and doing great things with our lives.
The summer is beginning to soften around the edges. The days may be hot, but the nights are cool. Autumn is right around the corner. One my favorite seasons, autumn. That means we can begin wearing our cute sweaters and jackets acquired from spring sample sales!
I cleaned the house today. It looks great. I still hate the bedroom. My architect landlord designed the building decades ago. Why no closet space, Martin? Did people own only a handful of outfits and two pairs of shoes? It is puzzling, this decision, and the bane of my bedroom hatred.
I sometimes fantasize a different life for myself. One that involves back porches and lakes and bicycles and Main Street. The kind of carefree life you have as a kid, playing baseball in the street and buying dime candy from the general store. But I'm not a kid and I like the city and I am in love with the Internet and crowds of people. So let's keep it a fantasty.
Masha is sleeping in the other room. She pulled an all-nighter at work on Saturday night and is finally catching up. I keep trying to wake her up with kisses, but she pushes me off. The last time I tried this she hit me in the nose. I'm going to try one more time!
Good night. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|09:51 pm] |
|
Hi hi. I'm moving in with Masha in two weeks. We signed a two-year lease. If at the end of the lease we still can't resolve this baby issue (she wants, I don't... I think), we will probably break up. Too bad, she's my first love. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|01:55 pm] |
|
I'm kind of unsure about everything right now. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2007|02:22 am] |
I miss Los Angeles the most when I'm furthest away. While I'm there, I can't wait to get out. It wasn't like this before, but perhaps New York is becoming home?
Lots of time well-spent with friends and family, but I'm glad to be back. I came home to a clean first floor, which means the furniture was moved from one place to another. My roommates are like little children who store all their toys underneath their beds.
Because I've slept for nearly 24 hours, I can't go to sleep now. At this time of the night, MySpace stalking rears its ugly head and I'm sucked into a world of voyeurism. Tonight, I started to peruse to world of Jesse Foster. There's not much to look into though. She, unlike the rest of the world, doesn't seem to be a part of the MySpace universe. God bless her. I don't actually want to talk to people of the past as much as I want to see little vignettes of what they're doing now.
I also looked at Brooklyn Jewish girl's page. Another thing I'm discovering... when Masha's away my MySpace stalking peaks to an all-time high. I think it is because I don't have her pretty face to look at so I feel the need to look at other pretty faces. I'm a designer of life, after all! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2006|03:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | nostalgic! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Ballet: "All the boys in Pendleton know my name." | ] |
I'm back to exciting, secret habits again. Internet stalking and computer card games. My latest stalkee, I found out, did an album with Mirah and, four hours later, I'm still pressing on with this shit. I'm not too worried though. I think this stalking experience will result in positive outcomes -- a more artful and queer-conscience experience? I don't know. I find something interesting and inspring for half a day and go back to watching reruns of Top Chef.
But anyway, just because I'm stalking and card-playing doesn't mean I've fallen out of love. I'm still very much in it. My affairs will only ever amount to harmless obsessions with collegiate, indie queers and Freecell.
Merriam-Webster Online changed their website interface. It looks like heaven or something. GO! LOOK! You'll see what I mean. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|12:27 am] |
I'm finding it difficult these days to look on the bright side of things. I've been apathetic and tired. I've been here almost a year. I can't blame New York anymore. Time to pass the fault onto something else. Maybe I will feel much better once Masha comes back home. Unfortunately, a lot of this internal disarray has to do with her. It is totally, entirely impossible for us to stay together forever and ever. So what's the point? I'm not looking forward to going through another depressing, recovery period. In the meantime, better times will whittle away as I wait for the shitstorm. The most ridiculous part of this whole thing (and by "this whole thing," I mean me) is that we're doing better than ever. Oh my god. I'm one of those assholic-sabotagers-of-all-things-good.
Why can't I enjoy this? I will probably have a change in attitude once I see her. But I still wish I had never met her. No, that's not true, but it's a nice, dark thought to go with this crisis.
Oh, and friend situations. Forget it. I don't want to deal with anything ever, let alone this.
Maybe I should become an existentialist or something. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|11:17 am] |
|
I'm completely unmotivated / I'm stressed about my apartment situation / I'm PMSing / I fucking hate my birthday / What's with this bullshit rain? / Masha and I have nothing in common, she is also NOT a great listener / Kim is pissing me off with her assumptions / It's a birthDAY, not a birthWEEK, fuck you, I will not attend more than one birth event / I don't like New York right now, I can't stomach the thought of L.A / What am I doing with my life? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2006|01:24 am] |
|
Interesting turn of events the last week. Completely unexpected. Masha said she's starting the "Win Jen Back" campaign. A campaign doesn't need to be involved for that to happen, but I'm not going to let her know that. She broke my itty, bitty heart, the least she can do is suffer for a couple days. Who knows, I may be in the same place I was a couple weeks ago, but I'm willing to give it a chance. Life's too short and the hurt doesn't last that long. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2006|02:01 am] |
|
Oh well. You win some, you lose some. Although, lately, it feels like there's been a lot of losing. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2006|11:31 pm] |
Wes is in town. Two things he's looking to do this weekend: spend tons of money and get drunk. Of course, all of that money spending will be on drinks. He's already forewarned that Sunday will be spent in bed as a result of the alcohol intake on Saturday. Feels like I've had too many nights like that these past two weeks, but oh well.
Life has been busy, busy, busy -- mostly work. I gave myself the day off today to recoup and run errands. Accomplished two out of three things on my list. I can check off laundry and Steven Alan sample sale. I've been spending a ridiculous amount of money on clothes, but I'm justifying it with a birthday coming up and not splurging nearly enough on myself in the past.
The girls and I are all in la la land with our respective boy/girl toys. I haven't seen nearly enough of them, but I think there will be lots of time for that this coming spring and summer. I've yet to experience a full New York spring/summer season. Should be, uh, interesting.
The Koala Monster and I are doing better than expected. Actually, I haven't held as many expectations with this one. It's been a blast. Trying to take things day by day. It's difficult not to blurt out, "I'M TOTALLY FALLING FOR YOU" during any given moment. I think I should save that proclamation for a later time. As much as I'd like to say, "This is my girlfriend" I'm not in a terrible hurry to make things happen. A good sign indeed. She's won me over this one. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 21st, 2006|12:07 am] |
| [ | music |
| | The Essex Green - Rue De Lis | ] |
Hi, Apartment. I know we don't get along sometimes, but I've missed you. It's been too long since I've lounged around in my pajamas watching movies, eating junk food, bogarding the neighbor's internet. It sure feels good.
I have a confession to make, Apartment. I've been spending time with a girl. No, not that one. This other girl. She's a fairly new addition to my life. This one... this one I really like. She's not like the others. Heard that one before, huh? You see, we share really cute moments together. She brought daisies for me when she came to pick me up from work. We went on our first official date last Saturday. I wake up to her hugging my body into hers. Oh, Apartment! She's so funny. Boy, is she funny. She makes me laugh the way Scarlett does. She's so unaware of her humor.
Not only does she fill my tummy with butterflies, but I know I can learn a lot from her. I feel like my growth here has been a culmination of all the mistakes I've made in the past. Of course, I'll never stop evolving. The difference now is that I'm finally putting my lessons to use. I'm growing, Apartment, which is a far cry from becoming an adult. I don't think that'll ever happen.
Yes, it's true. I am more earnest with her than anyone else I've been with in the past. There are still fears, but I have to wade through less of them now that I'm leaving myself wide open. What a concept! I suppose even the most obvious of paths are the hardest to take. But I'm trying, Apartment. I'm trying my damned hardest.
I'm going to watch a documentary about taxidermy with her and a friend of mine tomorrow night, but I'll see you when I get back. I love you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|03:10 am] |
oh christ on the cross. it's past three in the morning and i just finished eating uyen's CARNITAS from the fridge. i knew i should've packed last night.
masha called tonight while i was still at work. i was so excited i couldn't even type straight. my excitement was taking over my bodily functions. i'm sure i would've pissed myself if i were just a little bit more insane. she picked me up from work, hung out for a bit, then we headed off. she convinced me to stay for the rest of the night. we kissed (no church tongue this time) and slurred a lot of drunken nonsense. i told her i like her, she told me she likes me too, but needs a bit more time together to figure it out. i love her. i love her the way you fall in love with a beautiful conversation you encounter for the first time in a very long while. her friends are cute and encouraging. i told her i would miss her. she told me i should call her while in l.a. this trip to los angeles might not end up being the debaucherous, slutty time i thought it would be, but it's okay. i have a sweet girl at home i'm looking to get to know. |
|
|
| Home Sweet Home |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|02:28 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Bishop Allen - People You Meet | ] |
I'm going back to L.A. in a few days for a long weekend. It's been six months. Only six months? When I put it that way I think maybe I should have waited longer.
New York doesn't feel like home yet. I don't know if it ever will. It was so easy to uproot and move across the country, I feel like I could do it again. Although, I'm not so sure about that. My mind's in a constant state of, "What next?" ... "Where am I going to live in the fall?" "Who am I going to be in love with during the summer?" "How will I handle my next bout of homesickness come winter?"
It's nearly 2:30 in the morning and I'm not close to being sleepy. Tired, yes, but not sleepy. That's what New York does to you. Am I still on California time? Good god.
So yeah, I'm going back to Los Angeles and I'm excited. I'm excited about the little things -- shopping, eating, hanging out with a few choice people. I suppose I'm nervous. Mostly I'm lazy. I don't want to think about packing or taking that 5-hour flight. Ugh. I hope I remember how to drive a car.
New York has been filled with little adventures, some wrapped in pink bows, others in shit-filled garbage bags. Friends are slowly shacking off into pairs. My heart leaps delicately for a pretty girl. A dear friend once said to me, "I'm so glad
I'm not in love with a phantom anymore but I am still glad that you are running after someone wonderful. Just remember, if you doubt, you are short-changing yourself. As much as we are assholes, the reasons behind why we are assholes are the reasons why we have such high standards. If anyone is able to supercede those standards and work their way into your heart, there must be something there." Let go of your fearful, sociopathic tendencies, Jennifer. Life is pretty grand even when the mind is overwhelmed with so much longing.
I'll see you, dear friends, in a few, short days. It's been too long since we've hugged each other hello. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2006|06:11 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Day I Found Myself - Honey Cone | ] |
Holy shit, the Stars show was phenomenal. One of the best performances I've ever witnessed. Yes, the "haaaaard" New York crowd had lots of heart. Amy Millan, I'm completely in love with you, fat arms and all. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2006|01:31 am] |
On Ashley's last day I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. I suppose I was sad because she got to go back while I had to stay here. She was such an intense reminder of home and everyone who made that home great. This home is nice, but sometimes I have a hard time seeing the beauty when all I've been doing of late is longing for everything L.A.
So tonight I decided to explore the city once again -- walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, soaked in the quaint neighborhoods, travelled back. The city has so much to offer, things that are just so distinctly New York. This adversity is good for me, but it's tough. I'm not ready to give in. I won't give in.
But I miss everyone horribly. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 6th, 2006|08:02 pm] |
Despite being young and white, I discovered that Ashley is incredibly thoughtful. This morning, as I was waking up, she brought a glass of orange juice. After I got out of the shower, she had a cup of tea waiting for me. She drew a picture for me on the plane and gave me a hoodie from her store. She made my bed every morning!
M left remnants of herself in my apartment and so did Ashley. When I got home today I found the orange juice and can of chicken noodle soup she bought for us Saturday night when we decided to stay in from Misshapes and play scrabble instead. I walk into my room and no longer see M's hairclips, but, rather, the corner of my room that was cluttered with cute, hipster girl clothes, but is now an empty space once again. I'm sure in three days the orange juice will be gone, the chicken noodle soup already ingested, and M's hairclips will resurface. But I think I need to set aside time for myself for the next few days, away from M, because I fear that in M I'll see all the things that Ashley and girls like her have that M doesn't -- the utterly gorgeous face, the amazing body, the table manners our parents instilled in us, the NON-BODY ODOR. I'm sure as M's hairclips begin to make its way back into my daily thoughts so will all of her idiosyncrasies that I've grown to adore. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|11:51 pm] |
Linda, is this a trait inherent in cute girls who make our hearts all aflutter? She left her hair clips on my bedroom floor once again. I think I'll leave them there as a reminder of the scrabble we played, the spaghetti we made, the music we listened to, among other things from last night. The other day she left a "mornin' beautiful" note in my drawer. It's taped on my wall at work next to an email my mom sent that reads: "Hi! It's Mom. I'm practicing sending emails. I <3 U."
We spend eight hours a day together, but time spent outside of the office is few and far between. It's difficult when, especially as of late, I spend 12 hours of my day at work and she overbooks herself with friends. Our lives are lead outside of each other, not really with each other. Quite a nice, torturous change from the norm, I suppose. Is this how relationships are supposed to evolve as one grows older? I don't know.
The constant, current mantra of the moment is: "Live in the present." It's difficult though when you realize the minutes in New York fly by like seconds and she only has five more months in the city before she settles into her quiet, bohemian life. Strange that she was so concerned about work, but doesn't see her summer move in the same magnitude... because that's all I was able to think about in the midst of her confusion and even now. Maybe it won't last that long. Maybe you're right, Linda. Maybe she'll be a faint memory in my mind by then. I hope so. I'm not looking forward to sleeping my days and nights and weekends away trying to erase any trace of her. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
superjennifer's journal